要怎么描述这种厌恶， 是自我感觉太良好吗？ 是我怎样对人就想人怎样对我吗？是失落吗？是无奈吗？我在乎的就是一个电话还是ZM会因为这个电话而知道许多我不想让别人知道的东西？我是在找机会发泄吗？不想人跟说其实我畏惧流言和任何怪异的眼神？
说自己接受，说自己原谅，说自己没问题，可是真的到了这种时候，心理还有隐隐抱怨，怎么又是他。我究竟是哪一关过不去？是不忿每天见面仍然不及他有吸引力，还是在感叹就是因为每天都见才回这样？是不是我也要时隐时现的才会让人觉得珍贵？是在争些什么吗？是觉得自己无论付出多少，都及不上别人的聊聊数语？我所占有的只是时间，不是能扯到心里那根弦？ 是在否定，在猜测？
也在问自己，为什么要这样，再熟悉的两个人也不可能包涵对方生活的全部内容，谁没有自己的生活，谁的心里没片自留地？就连我自己都预留了凭什么不让人家有，我究竟在怨什么怨什么怨什么阿！！！！
不断的叹息和烦闷的弄不清自己的想法，我承认，我有很多问题。
2011年5月21日 星期六
善良不該說出口
已經很久沒有信心來寫，總覺得會耽誤了自己所謂的寶貴時光。每每衝動著來到主頁，又被理智將頁面關上。也許是自己給自己的禁錮比考試本身多太多了。
從宿舍出來，掉在突如其來不知所措的包圍之中。有時善良說的太多，就成了一種賣弄，炫耀著自己對別人的關心，帶著偽善的表情在心裡不斷的猙獰著。其實連自己也不能確定這股黏稠的情緒就是被哪個因素所主宰的，是Q的不舒服，還是M下午對我講過的那些話，是自己一直以來的掙扎，還是對混亂的恐懼。感覺自己的心像是被人活生生拿了出來，被粗魯的揉搓摔打，佈滿了瘀傷沾滿了灰塵，遺棄在角落，無奈的被放回去，膽怯跳動著。在新鮮的開始裡面，美好被無限的放大，總覺得往後都將是如此輕鬆的生活，但是日子稍長，就會冷冰冰的發現，面對所有的人，無奈都是必須要經歷的。緊繃的生活更容易讓人疲憊。就好像現在，坐在陰風陣陣的reading room裡面，看著對面的妹妹吃著一盒冰涼的酸奶，我的心不斷的哆哆嗦嗦。
即便是自己已經在心里演練過無數次的事實從別人的嘴里說出來仍然是赤裸裸的一把刀。那些想過猜過被人安慰過許多次的問題又浮現出來，才發現自己根本不可能徹底的擺脫對於那些問題的思慮，之前所作的只不過是放在一邊，只是因為不願意去想自己努力爭取的將來可能根本就不存在。在想要如何去做家庭主婦，想要生幾個小孩，想怎麼將他們撫養長大，怎麼讓先生有更溫暖的家，想怎樣去做一份有意義的工，想該不該再去讀一個更喜歡的學位，想很多很多的計畫，只是沒有想到自己有沒有可能去實現。
每每念及，總有一句話浮現：你們要休息，要知道我是神。
其實我也不知道自己為甚麼對於自己身上的痛可以很輕易的忍受但是身邊人的痛楚卻沒有任何的耐受能力，雖然著聽起來像是很囂張的描述，但卻那麼真實。是對於不可控制事物的恐懼嗎？恩，我想是吧。自己對於發生在自己身上能夠感受到的東西總是能夠有判斷和了解，但發生在別人身上的痛楚卻讓我張皇失措，不知如何去幫助，只是焦急和不斷的歎息，也不知自己是該留下還是該避開。
窗外狂風在吹，我的心像大雨將至，那麼潮濕。
從宿舍出來，掉在突如其來不知所措的包圍之中。有時善良說的太多，就成了一種賣弄，炫耀著自己對別人的關心，帶著偽善的表情在心裡不斷的猙獰著。其實連自己也不能確定這股黏稠的情緒就是被哪個因素所主宰的，是Q的不舒服，還是M下午對我講過的那些話，是自己一直以來的掙扎，還是對混亂的恐懼。感覺自己的心像是被人活生生拿了出來，被粗魯的揉搓摔打，佈滿了瘀傷沾滿了灰塵，遺棄在角落，無奈的被放回去，膽怯跳動著。在新鮮的開始裡面，美好被無限的放大，總覺得往後都將是如此輕鬆的生活，但是日子稍長，就會冷冰冰的發現，面對所有的人，無奈都是必須要經歷的。緊繃的生活更容易讓人疲憊。就好像現在，坐在陰風陣陣的reading room裡面，看著對面的妹妹吃著一盒冰涼的酸奶，我的心不斷的哆哆嗦嗦。
即便是自己已經在心里演練過無數次的事實從別人的嘴里說出來仍然是赤裸裸的一把刀。那些想過猜過被人安慰過許多次的問題又浮現出來，才發現自己根本不可能徹底的擺脫對於那些問題的思慮，之前所作的只不過是放在一邊，只是因為不願意去想自己努力爭取的將來可能根本就不存在。在想要如何去做家庭主婦，想要生幾個小孩，想怎麼將他們撫養長大，怎麼讓先生有更溫暖的家，想怎樣去做一份有意義的工，想該不該再去讀一個更喜歡的學位，想很多很多的計畫，只是沒有想到自己有沒有可能去實現。
每每念及，總有一句話浮現：你們要休息，要知道我是神。
其實我也不知道自己為甚麼對於自己身上的痛可以很輕易的忍受但是身邊人的痛楚卻沒有任何的耐受能力，雖然著聽起來像是很囂張的描述，但卻那麼真實。是對於不可控制事物的恐懼嗎？恩，我想是吧。自己對於發生在自己身上能夠感受到的東西總是能夠有判斷和了解，但發生在別人身上的痛楚卻讓我張皇失措，不知如何去幫助，只是焦急和不斷的歎息，也不知自己是該留下還是該避開。
窗外狂風在吹，我的心像大雨將至，那麼潮濕。
2011年5月6日 星期五
Always to pray
“Men ought always to pray and not to faint.” (Luke 18:1.)
Go to the ant.” Tammerlane used to relate to his friends an anecdote of his early life. “I once,” he said, “was forced to take shelter from my enemies in a ruined building, where I sat alone many hours. Desiring to divert my mind from my hopeless condition, I fixed my eyes on an ant that was carrying a grain of corn larger than itself up a high wall. I numbered the efforts it made to accomplish this object. The grain fell sixty-nine times to the ground; but the insect persevered, and the seventieth time it reached the top. This sight gave me courage at the moment, and I never forgot the lesson. --- The King’s Business.
Prayer which takes the fact that past prayers have not been answered as a reason for languor, has already ceased to be the prayer of faith.
To the prayer of faith the fact that prayers remain unanswered is only evidence that the moment of the answer is so much nearer. From first to last, the lessons and examples of our Lord all tell us that prayer which cannot persevere and urge its plea importunately, and renew, and renew itself again, and gather strength from every past petition, is not the prayer that will prevail. --- William Arthur.
Rubenstein, the great musician, once said, “If I omit practice one day, I notice it; if two days, my friends notice it; if three days, the public notice it.” It is the old doctrine, “Practice makes perfect.” We must continue believing, continue praying, continue doing His will. Suppose along any line of art, one should cease practicing, we know what the result would be. If we would only use the same quality of common sense in our religion that we use in our everyday life, we should go on to perfection.
The motto of David Livingstone was in these words, “I determined never to stop until I had come to the end and achieved my purpose.” By unfaltering persistence and faith in God he conquered.
Go to the ant.” Tammerlane used to relate to his friends an anecdote of his early life. “I once,” he said, “was forced to take shelter from my enemies in a ruined building, where I sat alone many hours. Desiring to divert my mind from my hopeless condition, I fixed my eyes on an ant that was carrying a grain of corn larger than itself up a high wall. I numbered the efforts it made to accomplish this object. The grain fell sixty-nine times to the ground; but the insect persevered, and the seventieth time it reached the top. This sight gave me courage at the moment, and I never forgot the lesson. --- The King’s Business.
Prayer which takes the fact that past prayers have not been answered as a reason for languor, has already ceased to be the prayer of faith.
To the prayer of faith the fact that prayers remain unanswered is only evidence that the moment of the answer is so much nearer. From first to last, the lessons and examples of our Lord all tell us that prayer which cannot persevere and urge its plea importunately, and renew, and renew itself again, and gather strength from every past petition, is not the prayer that will prevail. --- William Arthur.
Rubenstein, the great musician, once said, “If I omit practice one day, I notice it; if two days, my friends notice it; if three days, the public notice it.” It is the old doctrine, “Practice makes perfect.” We must continue believing, continue praying, continue doing His will. Suppose along any line of art, one should cease practicing, we know what the result would be. If we would only use the same quality of common sense in our religion that we use in our everyday life, we should go on to perfection.
The motto of David Livingstone was in these words, “I determined never to stop until I had come to the end and achieved my purpose.” By unfaltering persistence and faith in God he conquered.
2011年5月3日 星期二
Doors Open, Doors Close
“They were forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia.” (Acts 16:6.)
when doors are shut right and left, an open road is sure to lead to Troas.
Is there some problem in your life to solve, Some passage seeming full of mystery? God knows, who brings the hidden things to light. He keeps the key.
Is there some door closed by the Father’s hand Which widely opened you had hoped to see? Trust God and wait-for when He shuts the door He keeps the key.
Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet, Or answered NOT as you had thought ‘twould be? God will make clear His purpose by-and-by. He keeps the key.
Have patience with your God, your patient God, All wise, all knowing, no long tarrier He, And of the door of all thy future life He keeps the key.
Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest, To know of EVERY door He keeps the key. That He at last when just HE sees ‘tis best, Will give it THEE.
when doors are shut right and left, an open road is sure to lead to Troas.
Is there some problem in your life to solve, Some passage seeming full of mystery? God knows, who brings the hidden things to light. He keeps the key.
Is there some door closed by the Father’s hand Which widely opened you had hoped to see? Trust God and wait-for when He shuts the door He keeps the key.
Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet, Or answered NOT as you had thought ‘twould be? God will make clear His purpose by-and-by. He keeps the key.
Have patience with your God, your patient God, All wise, all knowing, no long tarrier He, And of the door of all thy future life He keeps the key.
Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest, To know of EVERY door He keeps the key. That He at last when just HE sees ‘tis best, Will give it THEE.
2011年5月2日 星期一
寫在五月初
五月如期而至，隨之而來的還有英國不甚炎熱的夏天。
對於五月，又很多期許，又有很多壓力，剩下的書不知能否順利看完，要等的消息，也不知道來者的凶吉。昨夜于習作鬱悶間在網上遇到Y大哥，告知其Q被至於WAITING LIST的消息，他卻無絲毫震驚或失落之意，只淡淡的說道：NOT TO BAD, ONLY NEED SOME LUCK!SOME TIMES THE OFFER ARE DEFERRED. 這話令我內心略略震動，仿佛又有些莫名的希望湧出，似乎waiting是常有的事情，依然見怪不怪。或許是自我安慰的因素作祟，整晚我都不斷思索。
昨天下午偶然間又提到ZM，那總恐懼和煩亂交織的心情又在翻湧這，Q說讓我諮詢他有關未來讀書的事情，我缺仿佛依然聽到他惜字如金的回答和左顧右盼只望早點結束對話的表情。我鼓動這自己委屈的情緒，不斷的搖晃和拒絕著。細細思索，究竟是何故讓我這般排斥？是驕傲吧，覺得自己可以揀選想要理睬和交往的人，卻不甘心被別人選擇。貼標籤丟垃圾桶這些惡毒的言論無論正確與否多少都還有醜化他人而將自己包裹成為弱勢群體的意味。又或是自覺受到了太多的冷落，渴望別人關懷在意反屢屢不得而鬱鬱不得志。念及此處，不禁汗顏。無論往事何如，我總堅信他的正直善良和體恤他人并無偏差，可做只是唯有繼續熱誠相待，漸漸理解體會。亦愿神給他平安喜樂，並不要似我這般遭受內心的折磨。
自己的INTERVIEW仍然生死未補，卻已感受到談談的落敗情緒，今早看荒漠甘泉，“我想，現在的苦楚若比起將來要現於我們的榮耀，就不足介意了。（羅8：:18）”患難中的順服，得以分別為圣，大概又是等候的功課。
對於五月，又很多期許，又有很多壓力，剩下的書不知能否順利看完，要等的消息，也不知道來者的凶吉。昨夜于習作鬱悶間在網上遇到Y大哥，告知其Q被至於WAITING LIST的消息，他卻無絲毫震驚或失落之意，只淡淡的說道：NOT TO BAD, ONLY NEED SOME LUCK!SOME TIMES THE OFFER ARE DEFERRED. 這話令我內心略略震動，仿佛又有些莫名的希望湧出，似乎waiting是常有的事情，依然見怪不怪。或許是自我安慰的因素作祟，整晚我都不斷思索。
昨天下午偶然間又提到ZM，那總恐懼和煩亂交織的心情又在翻湧這，Q說讓我諮詢他有關未來讀書的事情，我缺仿佛依然聽到他惜字如金的回答和左顧右盼只望早點結束對話的表情。我鼓動這自己委屈的情緒，不斷的搖晃和拒絕著。細細思索，究竟是何故讓我這般排斥？是驕傲吧，覺得自己可以揀選想要理睬和交往的人，卻不甘心被別人選擇。貼標籤丟垃圾桶這些惡毒的言論無論正確與否多少都還有醜化他人而將自己包裹成為弱勢群體的意味。又或是自覺受到了太多的冷落，渴望別人關懷在意反屢屢不得而鬱鬱不得志。念及此處，不禁汗顏。無論往事何如，我總堅信他的正直善良和體恤他人并無偏差，可做只是唯有繼續熱誠相待，漸漸理解體會。亦愿神給他平安喜樂，並不要似我這般遭受內心的折磨。
自己的INTERVIEW仍然生死未補，卻已感受到談談的落敗情緒，今早看荒漠甘泉，“我想，現在的苦楚若比起將來要現於我們的榮耀，就不足介意了。（羅8：:18）”患難中的順服，得以分別為圣，大概又是等候的功課。
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